Say it respectfully and clearly not sideways.

Let’s talk passive aggressive dialogue and get straight to the point!

We have all experienced passive-aggressive comments and may have also given them........ and it simply does not belong in a workplace. It is part of the foundation in building toxic workplaces.

Address this behaviour quickly, before it spreads and becomes accepted, walked-past, ignored, tolerated and contagious.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a pattern where a person expresses negative feelings, resistance, anger, resentment, or hostility indirectly rather than openly (or at least they often think it is indirectly however, it is very obvious to those around them).

Instead of clearly communicating concerns, the person may act them out through avoidance, procrastination, sarcasm, subtle sabotage, withdrawal, non-cooperation and non-verbal cues.

Passive aggression is often less about aggression itself and more about a person's relationship with conflict, power, vulnerability, psychological safety and……themselves.

Passive-aggressive behaviour often emerges when a person:

• Does not feel safe expressing disagreement directly (may be historical/family of origin challenges).

• Fears rejection, punishment, or conflict.

• Has learned that direct expression of anger is unacceptable or punished.

• Experiences resentment but lacks self-awareness and self-regulation to address or express it openly.

• Wants to maintain a positive self-image while still expressing displeasure. Image control.

A passive-aggressive person may be thinking:

• "I'm angry, but I can't say it."

• "I don't want confrontation."

• "They should know what they've done."

• "I'll show them instead."

• "I don't feel heard anyway."

• “I don’t matter”

Often the person is not fully aware of the narrative in their head and has learnt passive-aggressive behaviour as a coping mechanism however, this does not make it acceptable or appropriate workplace behaviour.

The result of an internal thought pattern (narrative) that is different to what the person is saying or doing, is a split between what is said and what is actually felt.

The body will always give away clues of what the person is actually thinking or feeling.

Some examples of not saying it respectfully & clearly but rather, sideways:

• “I would have thought you knew better” (Parenting the other person)

• “If it were me, I would have done it this way instead” (Judging and competing with the other person)

• “It’s fine, don’t worry about it” (when it is clearly not fine)

• “Interesting choice. Let’s see how that works out”. (Sarcastic & judgemental)

• “I was just trying to help” (after criticising or undermining a colleague)

• “I was only joking” or “You're reading too much into it” (Gaslighting)

The above examples are useful because to illustrate a key feature of passive aggression: the surface message appears neutral, polite, or reasonable (think polite tone of voice), while the underlying message/facial features/ body language, communicates criticism, superiority, resentment, or disapproval.

Research suggests passive aggression can be associated with some of the following:

1. Insecure attachment patterns

2. Low psychological safety

3. Difficulty regulating anger

4. Learned family communication styles

5. Fear of authority figures

6. Feelings of powerlessness

7. Indirect coping mechanisms

8. Threatened identity (according to the individual’s sense of self)

9. Lack of voicing needs or unmet needs

It is important to note; passive aggression is not a personality flaw but rather represents an adaptive strategy that has developed due to some of the above factors.

Some common workplace scenarios that represent passive-aggressive behaviour:

• Silent resistance – verbally agreeing but not following through.

• Strategic procrastination – delaying tasks connected with decisions they don’t like

• Withholding information – withholding information that might allow others or a task to succeed

• Sarcasm and backhanded comments – “Must be nice to have the time to do that”.

• Non-verbal hostility – eye rolling, loud sighs, exclusion, withdrawing participation

• Weaponised compliance – following instructions literally in a way that creates problems

Passive-aggression is a key behaviour in destroying team coherence because it destroys relational trust. Teams can begin to come away from their workplace feeling exhausted due to the emotional workload in coping with the behaviour, resentment builds, staff turn-over or move elsewhere and the culture of the team is conflict avoidance. Each new person exposed is indoctrinated into this toxic culture or excluded and isolated until they move, comply or stress begins to take over.

What to do?

Relational and intelligently responsive leaders become curious, responding promptly to address this type of workplace behaviour, rather than allowing it to filter through the environment ignored.

This does not mean there cannot be healthy disagreements however, they are open, respectful, transparent, accountable and ask (and listen) for other perspectives.

If you find yourself behaving in a passive-agressive manner there is a breakdown in congruence, a gap between your thoughts, feelings, communication and your actions – ask yourself….

⭕ “Did I represent my opinion, or have I walked away begrudging or criticising someone else and saying nothing?

⭕ “What conversation am I avoiding”?

🍃🍃 Above all, Please -Do not shame yourself, instead, educate yourself and change the behaviour.🍃🍃

The goal is not to become more confrontational, the goal is to align self with thoughts, feelings, words and actions.

Bring this conversation to your professional development annual plans or team meetings and rather than identifying individuals, identify a set of team psychological safety in the workplace rules, that every person has contributed and agreed to (it is important that each person contributes).

Place those rules in a nice frame or decorated poster and in full view of all in the area.

Here is some food for thought to spark your team conversations:

1. ⭕Do we know what the early signs of resentment look like in our team?

2. ⭕How can we replace hinting with clear requests?

3. ⭕How do we get comfortable to say we are uncomfortable?

4. ⭕How can everyone own their own feelings and not speak on behalf of others? (hint – use “I” statements)

5. ⭕How do we check for congruence in ourselves?

6. ⭕What do we do if we see incongruence in someone else?

Leaders can support changing the culture by:

• Co-constructing psychological safety

• Normalising healthy conflict

• Addressing issues early

• Separating understanding from excuses

• Modeling congruence

• Making a well-being check in an honest and unchallenged part of each team meeting (we are allowed to have tough days and should be able to learn to voice that respectfully in the workplace).

Passive aggression is a breakdown between:

🍃 What I think

🍃 What I feel

🍃 What I say

🍃 What I do

The larger the gap the more likely there is passive-aggressive behaviour involved.

A good general rule is “say what you mean and mean what you say”

“Clear is kind, unclear is unkind” – Brene Brown